I have straight up decided that when I get married, I am walking down the aisle to Stolen by Dashboard Confessional. :)

I am nothing more than the sum of my conflictions. I am young, and i forget that sometimes. I am happy to stay home and read but with every night comes the dread that I'm missing out. I should be out late, scaring my parents, getting shit-faced and kissing strangers. But instead i'm safe, responsible, trust-worthy. I want to travel and see and experience everything I can get my hands on. But I'm too much of a homebody to do it. I want to marry, have babies and start my life. But I want to be single, and go out and meet people. I want new people in my life but I don't want to open myself up for disaster.
I want it all.
Yet I do nothing but compromise.
Instead of working my ass off to do and experience everything, I am too tired and do nothing.
Tired physically. Emotionally exhausted. Spiritually drained.
I'm too tired to fight, too tired to do everything for everybody. After giving it my best shot to please everybody, i'm too tired to please myself.
I think I am destined to always be discontent.
I will always want more, new, different.
I will never rest.

"God Don't Like Ugly"

God don't like ugly.
God don't like bad grammar.
God doesn't like me then.


I will be the first one to tell you that I don't believe in the same God I did a year ago. Ha.
And even so.
My God loves ugly people.
My God does not discriminate.
My God loves gay people, straight people, purple people, dangerous people, lost people, people who have turned their back, hurting people, strange people, drug addicts, abortion doctors, activists, lawyers, and ugly people. Especially ugly people.

I don't have the same ideals as a lot of "christians" per say...

I'm all for Gay rights.
I'm a strong proponent for Sex Ed, not abstinence based reproductive health education.
Prop 8 is joke.
What I believe is my business, I don't "evangelize"
I think most christians are snobs.
I hate going to church.
I think being an ugly person is okay.

God knows I'm not pretty.
I have a bad attitude when I'm forced to work with idiots on a power trip.
I have a past that won't stay in the past.
I have a short temper with the people I love the most.
I have a split personality. I'm shy and quiet until you get to know me. Then I'm no different than you.

My hair sticks up in the morning, my morning breath is awful. I cuss when I'm frustrated. I have a hard time telling the truth when it might hurt someone. I can't say no.

Yep.

I'm pretty damn ugly.

But guess what?
God still loves me.
Suck it.

You. Are. Loved.

So, here is the deal...
I wish with all my heart that I could ensure that every girl I come in contact with feels beautiful. Beyond that, every person I see on a regular basis needs to feel special and loved. Working with these kids everyday is just cementing the idea that when no one seems to care, kids will do ANYTHING to get attention.

It is so frustrating to see and hear these little girls talk about how "fat"and how "ugly" they are. These girls, these beautiful perfect works of art, sit for hours and argue about who is the fattest. No one calls them pretty. No one says that they are beautiful inside and out. No one tells them how much potential they have.

I see so many kids that are the product of divorced families. Most of these kids are so incredibly lost that parents drag them off to a doctor to diagnose them with a mental illness. I've got five kids that are diagnosed with OCD. They call it OCD because they compulsively worry. I would fucking worry too if everything I know gets ripped away from me and Mommy and Daddy are arguing and pitting me against one another. No fucking way they are lost.

And still, no one listens to them.

There is a quote that Marilyn Manson gave in an interview. While he was being blamed somehow,someway for the Columbine shootings, a reporter asked him what he would say to the victims, families, shooters, and survivors of the shootings. He replied that he would not say anything at all. He would purely listen, and that's what no one did.

That's what we are coming to now. No one is listening to these kids. Some of these kids have never seen anything other than how to collect welfare and college is absolutely unheard of. They see no potential in themselves because their parents failed to see it in their own lives. I have one kid, I see so much in this kid. He is one of the kindest, sweetest kids I have ever met. His parents are divorced and he's living kind of rough. I drove him home from camp one day that he got hurt and we talked about futures. No one has ever talked to him about maybe doing vo-tech, looking for scholarships, or even mentioned college to him. In the words of the guidance counselor of years past, "Every town needs a ditch digger."

There is nothing wrong with being a ditch digger. There is nothing wrong with working retail for your whole life. Whatever makes you happen. But don't pidgeon-hole the damn kid. Give him all the options. Listen to him. Find out what he wants to do and where he wants to be and then give him the resources to do it. Don't count him out as a lost cause just because his grades are not stellar (nobody pushing him to succeed), or because his family isn't financially well off (completely out of his control) or because he gets in trouble for fighting(defending a friend and proving himself to be loyal).

It makes me physically ill to watch these kids slip thru the cracks. These kids are wonderful. Absolutely beautiful kids. Every single one of them. But small town school districts see nothing but their last name, their family history and their PSSA scores. Fuck that.

I know nobody reads this, but if for whatever reason you have stumbled across this, this is for you. You are beautiful. You have more potential than you will ever know what to do with. If you are bored, you are not trying hard enough. Quit forgetting that you are loved. Even if it's just by your damn dog. You are important to someone. Please find someone to listen to you. You will make a difference in this world. You are loved.

How do you get that lonely?

Why is it that our generation has the highest rate of depression? We are the world's most privileged youth, but many of us can't find the courage to face another day. It breaks my heart to see young lives so desperate. What makes a person so desperate? What convinces them that the only hope left in their short life is to end it?

Life is hard. It will bring you to your knees, wait for you to get back up and then kick you in the stomach. Everyone has faced a hopeless situation, or two or three for that matter. Why can some of us stomach up the guts to continue on?

The news today showed a young girl, teased to the point of desperation. She took her own life because of bullies. Are you kidding me? Where were the teachers? Or other students for that matter. All it could have taken was one person, one child to reach out and befriend this girl. A gorgeous girl at that. A few days ago, a 15 year old boy took his own life locally. This past summer, a young lady does the same.

How do you get that lonely?

Nearly 18 million United State's citizens are suffering with depression. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people. The death of one child does not just affect the family. It affects the community. Schools are afraid to acknowledge the death of a student as to to "hero-ize" them and contribute to other's deaths.

Death is such a touchy topic. Americans are more than open to discuss the birth of a child as a part of the life cycle. It's described as a beautiful event in which a new life begins and starts the cycle of life. But death is a bit trickier. No one quite knows what to say. Especially in the event of a self taken death.

I see little girls at the mall with familiar scars on their wrists. They don't even try to cover them. They are proud of their self inflicted wounds. And these are only the scars we can see. Some blame the music they listen to. Some blame their parents. I blame us. We allow this to happen. We allowed people to feel so ostracized from the pack that they feel relief in the blade of a knife.

It's not cool to be depressed. It's not trendy to wear bracelets to cover scars. It's a sad and scary thing. Look for hope. Remember laughter. Smile in the face of everything. Fuck the people who don't agree. Fuck those who try to belittle you. You are a child of hope. You have the world's best at your fingertips. You always have tomorrow. You are not the sum of your flaws. You are all that is good about a sunrise. The blood coursing through your veins is a reminder of the strength held beneath your skin. You are light and dark. You are the breath on a cold day. You are hope. <3