Golden Cracks

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.”

Barbara Bloom

A crack in the foundation can weaken a structure. A nick in the glass can break a windshield. A catch in the wool can unravel a scarf. But when the damage is repaired, leaving but a scar, it will leave the fracture stronger than before. Think of a family heirloom. Passed down from generation to generation, each scratch and mark a physical memory. Each fault adding to the history and beauty of the heirloom.

Everything, not matter the significance impacts us in some way. From something as large as moving to a new state to as little as skipping class. My cousin and I skipped class today to go for a three hour car ride. I couldn’t have asked for a better Monday. Point being, it impacted me. Talking with him made me look at things differently. My past has impacted me. It has affected how I look at my future. If it wasn’t for what happened the past few years, I would have never started making my own decisions. For 18 years, I had worried so much what people think. I only have one person to thank for making me live my own life. And that person happens to be the same person who ruined it. I owe my happiness to the one who took it away from me. It’s hard to say, but I’m thankful for him. He cracked me to the core but my fissures have been filled with gold.

Everything, everything is significant. Nothing is random. You are only given the life you lead because you were the only one strong enough to. Somebody had to carry the burden that you carry. And for whatever reason, God chose you. You impact the people around you by the life you lead.

I feel lost anymore, but I think that I’m beginning to find my way. I’m still struggling to find pure happiness. I keep feeling like I somehow missed out while I was too busy being unhappy. I’m trying so hard not to regret any aspect of my life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done and many more I wish I hadn’t. But to regret, to dwell on the negative hurts no one but myself. Lamenting the past years doesn’t change anything. What I did and didn’t do has made me the way I am. Whether or not I like it, it’s me. Acceptance is the most difficult part of learning not to regret. Slowly but surely, I believe that one day I can truly accept and love myself. Eventually.

I hope you didn't read this last night.... This is what I really want you to know.

We will make it. I promise.

Catharsis Revised

10 Apologies to Ten different People

1.I’m sorry I wasted so much time on you.
2.I’m sorry that I’m not everything you deserve. I’m sorry that I sometimes doubt your commitment to me.
3.I’m sorry that I’m not telling you everything.
4.I’m sorry that you are such a waste of life.
5.I’m sorry that I got you mixed up in this whole mess. I put you in a tough position.
6.I’m sorry for leaving you, I just couldn’t stand knowing.
7.I’m sorry I didn’t pick up my phone; I should have been there for you.
8.I’m sorry that I called you a friend.
9.I’m sorry that I don’t believe as strong as you. It’s hard when life smacks you in the face.
10.I’m sorry for putting you all thru hell.


9 Confessions to nine different people

1.I keep making the same mistake over and over. I can’t bring myself to tell you though.
2.You call me selfish, but you are the most selfish person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.
3.I still don’t believe you. I keep waiting for you to walk out of the door.
4.I still look at you differently.
5.I plan on moving out as soon as I can. Sorry.
6.There is still a part of me that misses your friendship.
7.Yes, I do actually know what happened when we weren’t talking. And it was your own fault.
8.Sometimes I still think I made a big deal out of nothing. But you deserve everything you got.
9.You for whatever reason need the spotlight on you 24/7. It’s really annoying by the way.


8 Things you would like to say to eight people.

1.You make me sick.
2.Please, please, just look and ask?
3.Both of you are not worth my time.
4.I envy you for staying so calm when everything is falling apart.
5.Please don’t break his heart.
6.How many people does he have to screw over until you get the message?
7.You mean more to me than you can ever imagine. Your car is my favorite place in the world, even if it is a grocery getter.
8.Be careful. Please.


7 Things that make you happy.

1.Art
2.Coffee
3.Acoustic music
4.Sparrows
5.New crayons
6.Emma Grace
7.Night drives


6 People you would do anything for.

1.Tory <3
2.Emma Grace
3.Cousin Jim
4.Leah Brooke
5.That’s
6.Pretty much
7.It.


5 Things you would like to achieve before you die.

1.Perfect little house with white picket fence and the whole works.
2.Lots of babies 
3.Meet Ben Folds.
4.Be able to successfully walk in high heels.
5.A full, pain free day.


4 Words to describe your life.
1.Hopeful
2.Stressful
3.Unpredictable
4.Wonderful


3 Things you would like to hold on to forever.

1.His hand.
2.Creativity
3.Happiness


2 Most important things in your life.

1.Relationships
2.Comfort


1 Thing you want but will probably never get
1.Pure unadulterated joy.

Sick of the quiet, even more sick of the scars.

Can’t get past the bright lights, to the pureness of the stars.

The suffocating city lights weigh heavy on my mind.

No fountain of youth, just a wish for wholeness to find.

An unwilling victim of a blind symphony.

In a boarded up house, a window to break free.

During the day, demolition draws a crowd.

But lonely night street lights scream way too loud.

You see that brokenness is all about perception.

Only when accepted will you ever find rest then.

To be complete and in perfect disarray.

And the night doesn’t threaten the bed where you lay.

Some may seek forgiveness, and many will never find.

The peace in broken contentment, the quiet like mine.

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