Golden Cracks

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.”

Barbara Bloom

A crack in the foundation can weaken a structure. A nick in the glass can break a windshield. A catch in the wool can unravel a scarf. But when the damage is repaired, leaving but a scar, it will leave the fracture stronger than before. Think of a family heirloom. Passed down from generation to generation, each scratch and mark a physical memory. Each fault adding to the history and beauty of the heirloom.

Everything, not matter the significance impacts us in some way. From something as large as moving to a new state to as little as skipping class. My cousin and I skipped class today to go for a three hour car ride. I couldn’t have asked for a better Monday. Point being, it impacted me. Talking with him made me look at things differently. My past has impacted me. It has affected how I look at my future. If it wasn’t for what happened the past few years, I would have never started making my own decisions. For 18 years, I had worried so much what people think. I only have one person to thank for making me live my own life. And that person happens to be the same person who ruined it. I owe my happiness to the one who took it away from me. It’s hard to say, but I’m thankful for him. He cracked me to the core but my fissures have been filled with gold.

Everything, everything is significant. Nothing is random. You are only given the life you lead because you were the only one strong enough to. Somebody had to carry the burden that you carry. And for whatever reason, God chose you. You impact the people around you by the life you lead.

I feel lost anymore, but I think that I’m beginning to find my way. I’m still struggling to find pure happiness. I keep feeling like I somehow missed out while I was too busy being unhappy. I’m trying so hard not to regret any aspect of my life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done and many more I wish I hadn’t. But to regret, to dwell on the negative hurts no one but myself. Lamenting the past years doesn’t change anything. What I did and didn’t do has made me the way I am. Whether or not I like it, it’s me. Acceptance is the most difficult part of learning not to regret. Slowly but surely, I believe that one day I can truly accept and love myself. Eventually.