Art Student

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Reason why i'm not majoring in art. :(

"May Angels Lead You In."

:"Grandma, Help me!" I squealed in my seven year old sing song voice. I reached my chubby hands skyward as the worn flannel paint shirt sleeve drooped lazily over my wrist. Paint covered the newspaper in giant glops, decorating the black and white print with swirls of red, yellow and blue. More color made it onto my small hands than made it onto the magnificent canvas, a cardboard box. "Hold on a minute!" Grandma's voice replied, smooth as the coffee clutched in her hand. She bent down and gently rolled the sleeve up past my elbows. After settling down into the chair next to me, she picked up a brush and began smoothing out the globs of paint. She worked intently until I sandwiched my body between her and the table and crawled into her lap. My globs slowly smoothed into flowers, hearts and balloons with a few swipes of a brush held in the experienced hands of grandma. I twisted my small body around to face her while still remaining seated. As I gazed up into her eyes blue as the paint on my fingers, I tried desperately to catch her attention. "Hey Grandma, Grandma, Hey!" In my most determined attempt, I snaked my arms around her neck, bringing her face close to mine. "Grandma, I love you!". She set the brush down on the newspaper and wrapped her arms around me. "I love you too, Erin."

The IV tower beeped continuously, signaling an empty bag. Grandma looked tiny in the hospital bed with her legs drawn up close to her and her arms clutching a stuffed animal. The stuffed puppy was an afterthought, a last ditch effort to feel like I was doing something that was important. Her small hands no longer held a paint brush but were painted with the black bruises characteristic of a hospital stay. Two days left until my nineteenth birthday, and she was oblivious. Years before, plans would have been in place for sleepovers the night before my birthday. Cardboard castles would be constructed for the Beauty and the Beast characters on top of my cake. Years before I would have taken for granted a flash of recognition, the calling of my name, the correct structure of a sentence. And yet today, I was content to lay with her, watching whatever show flashing bright colors and catchy oldies songs. “Hey grandma, my boyfriend is coming to visit today, remember him? And I think that the cute nurse is on call tonight. Grandma? Hey there pretty girl.” I ramble. Desperate for eye contact, thirsting for something, anything to signal she knows what I’m talking about. I refused to be put off by the awkward silence. I promised myself I wouldn’t be like most family member and talk around her. I would talk with her, not above her head. Finally, I just stay quiet. I lay closer to her, my head on her shoulder. “Grandma, I love you.” I say in a shaky voice. Her small frame stirred and rolled slightly towards me. “I love you too.”

There are few things in life that “are worth it”. Worth the struggle, worth the aggravation, worth the effort. And then there comes a moment, one single moment in time, when you realize everything wasn’t in vain.
Rest in peace, Grandma. It was worth it all. I am forever indebted to you memory.

:/

I'm in an awful mood, and if i don't get it out of me i'm never going to fall asleep so here it goes.

WTF? Are you that desperate to not let your son get anywhere with his life? Are you determined to make sure that he turns out to be the low life loser you make him out to sound? Get off your lazy ass and help him find the paperwork. He is trying to make the best out of his life. School wasn't for him. Get over it. It wasn't my doing or anyone else's. He just does not like it. This is the first opportunity he's had at snagging a job, and by misplacing that damn folder, you're making him risk that job. You are fifty some odd years old, grow up.

And you. Quit messing with him. He may not see it. But I am a girl, and I know how girls work. So I sure as hell see it.

Mr. Hiring Person- Not hiring Tory will be one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made for your company. You will never find a more committed worker that will strive as hard as Tory will. He is not only willing to work the overtime, he WANTS to work the overtime. Stupidity isn't cute. Hire him.

And you. I could not care less about you or what you do or where you live. It's your business not mine. Stay out of mine and quit making crap up.

And please. Just go tomorrow. Just try. Please?

Looking ahead terrifies me. I'm still living at home and I already worry about money constantly. I don't want a lot of money. I want enough to live in my little house, with a little yard, comfortably. To be able to pay all the bills, on time. To live in the present and not worry about the huge debt cloud following from years past. I want to be married with a decent job, making decent money and living a decent and comfortable life.

Everything is two steps forward, two steps back. As soon as I gain some momentum, I slip in the mud.

And you, go ahead and judge me on your loaded questions. I may hate where I am in life, but i'm obviously happier than you.

Am I ever going to not feel over whelmed? I can't even remember what complacency feels like.

I don' t ask you for much. It wouldn't kill you to give me a hand.

And I'd like to pretty much give the world a big "Screw you" tonight.
:..exceptforafew..:

Somebody told me this week that writing was a cathartic experience. Writing down one's emotions, takes power away from the emotion itself. Sadness doesn't seem nearly as desperate. Anger doesn't seem quite as consuming. So dear pen, take it away.

At nineteen, I am nowhere near where I want to be. I for whatever reason can't seem to finish anything I start.
I quit at a four year school, going after my bachelor's degree in sociology/social work with hopes to continue on to get my masters. I traded all of that for an associates degree at a no name community college. Not for me. I could fill an entire page with how unhappy I am there. But I WILL stick it out there, get my degree, and move on.

I observed for the first time today. God, I know now that this is what I was made to do. Those wide eyed kids want nothing more than to please you. My first class called me Mrs. Wires or Miss Aguire. Apparently my last name was a little too tricky! So the next class called me Miss Erin. Which was pretty cool. One little guy told me that I was pretty and asked if he could make me a plastic pineapple smoothie. He was a real sweetheart.

Emma Grace visited today. She is one of the only things that can make me forget all the crap. It's impossible to be grumpy when she's around. She left me a note on my bed that says, "Dear Erin, I love you. Love, Emma." :)

Tory and I keep having conversations lately about how I can finally become happy with where I am. He thinks I need to make a list. Honestly, I don't think I know how to make a short term list. All of my list consist of long term goals, jobs, marriage, kids, the works. I probably should work on that list... It's a valid way of going about it. It would be nice however to know what exactly it is that I'd like to accomplish.

I'm not sure where I expected myself to be at 19. I see people I graduated with getting married and having babies, and more than anything, that is what I want. But unfortunately, it's not the time for that. At least for now.

Fight for me.

Fight for me, damn it. Prove it to me. I've never once had someone fight for me. Tell me i'm being over dramatic so I can tell you that your being insensitive. Grab me by the shoulders and tell me that I will never find someone who cares as much as you. Just fight for me. Just prove it to me. Words are meaningless until you attach an action to them. Stand in front of a crowded room and fight. Don't back down. Yell, scream, throw a fit until I get it. If my skull is that freakin thick, use a surgical drill. Just fight for me. Grab me and kiss me until I believe you. Don't let go until you can tell that I understand. Don't listen to my words, i'll just push you away. Wait until you can feel it in my bones, the very core of every vessel. Fight for me, damn it. Do not walk away like a coward. If you say I'm worth it, prove it. Prove it, damn it. Fight. Ingrain it in my DNA. Make sure that I never forget that I am worth, for even only a moment, fighting for. Tell me that being lied to before is not an excuse. Tell me that if I don't let go of the past, I am going to drown in it. Be honest. Don't sugar coat the blow with flowery words and promises of perfection. Tell me that the only certain thing is love and that of which you are certain. Fight for me, damn it. Damn it. Just fight.

Fae

Happy 20th birthday sweetheart.



Photography Graphics


"So let's drink to memories we shared
Down one for all the hopes and cares
Here's too for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory."

RIP Fae..: you are terribly missed.

Photography Graphics


I don't think you'll ever get it.

Golden Cracks

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.”

Barbara Bloom

A crack in the foundation can weaken a structure. A nick in the glass can break a windshield. A catch in the wool can unravel a scarf. But when the damage is repaired, leaving but a scar, it will leave the fracture stronger than before. Think of a family heirloom. Passed down from generation to generation, each scratch and mark a physical memory. Each fault adding to the history and beauty of the heirloom.

Everything, not matter the significance impacts us in some way. From something as large as moving to a new state to as little as skipping class. My cousin and I skipped class today to go for a three hour car ride. I couldn’t have asked for a better Monday. Point being, it impacted me. Talking with him made me look at things differently. My past has impacted me. It has affected how I look at my future. If it wasn’t for what happened the past few years, I would have never started making my own decisions. For 18 years, I had worried so much what people think. I only have one person to thank for making me live my own life. And that person happens to be the same person who ruined it. I owe my happiness to the one who took it away from me. It’s hard to say, but I’m thankful for him. He cracked me to the core but my fissures have been filled with gold.

Everything, everything is significant. Nothing is random. You are only given the life you lead because you were the only one strong enough to. Somebody had to carry the burden that you carry. And for whatever reason, God chose you. You impact the people around you by the life you lead.

I feel lost anymore, but I think that I’m beginning to find my way. I’m still struggling to find pure happiness. I keep feeling like I somehow missed out while I was too busy being unhappy. I’m trying so hard not to regret any aspect of my life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done and many more I wish I hadn’t. But to regret, to dwell on the negative hurts no one but myself. Lamenting the past years doesn’t change anything. What I did and didn’t do has made me the way I am. Whether or not I like it, it’s me. Acceptance is the most difficult part of learning not to regret. Slowly but surely, I believe that one day I can truly accept and love myself. Eventually.

I hope you didn't read this last night.... This is what I really want you to know.

We will make it. I promise.

Catharsis Revised

10 Apologies to Ten different People

1.I’m sorry I wasted so much time on you.
2.I’m sorry that I’m not everything you deserve. I’m sorry that I sometimes doubt your commitment to me.
3.I’m sorry that I’m not telling you everything.
4.I’m sorry that you are such a waste of life.
5.I’m sorry that I got you mixed up in this whole mess. I put you in a tough position.
6.I’m sorry for leaving you, I just couldn’t stand knowing.
7.I’m sorry I didn’t pick up my phone; I should have been there for you.
8.I’m sorry that I called you a friend.
9.I’m sorry that I don’t believe as strong as you. It’s hard when life smacks you in the face.
10.I’m sorry for putting you all thru hell.


9 Confessions to nine different people

1.I keep making the same mistake over and over. I can’t bring myself to tell you though.
2.You call me selfish, but you are the most selfish person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.
3.I still don’t believe you. I keep waiting for you to walk out of the door.
4.I still look at you differently.
5.I plan on moving out as soon as I can. Sorry.
6.There is still a part of me that misses your friendship.
7.Yes, I do actually know what happened when we weren’t talking. And it was your own fault.
8.Sometimes I still think I made a big deal out of nothing. But you deserve everything you got.
9.You for whatever reason need the spotlight on you 24/7. It’s really annoying by the way.


8 Things you would like to say to eight people.

1.You make me sick.
2.Please, please, just look and ask?
3.Both of you are not worth my time.
4.I envy you for staying so calm when everything is falling apart.
5.Please don’t break his heart.
6.How many people does he have to screw over until you get the message?
7.You mean more to me than you can ever imagine. Your car is my favorite place in the world, even if it is a grocery getter.
8.Be careful. Please.


7 Things that make you happy.

1.Art
2.Coffee
3.Acoustic music
4.Sparrows
5.New crayons
6.Emma Grace
7.Night drives


6 People you would do anything for.

1.Tory <3
2.Emma Grace
3.Cousin Jim
4.Leah Brooke
5.That’s
6.Pretty much
7.It.


5 Things you would like to achieve before you die.

1.Perfect little house with white picket fence and the whole works.
2.Lots of babies 
3.Meet Ben Folds.
4.Be able to successfully walk in high heels.
5.A full, pain free day.


4 Words to describe your life.
1.Hopeful
2.Stressful
3.Unpredictable
4.Wonderful


3 Things you would like to hold on to forever.

1.His hand.
2.Creativity
3.Happiness


2 Most important things in your life.

1.Relationships
2.Comfort


1 Thing you want but will probably never get
1.Pure unadulterated joy.

Sick of the quiet, even more sick of the scars.

Can’t get past the bright lights, to the pureness of the stars.

The suffocating city lights weigh heavy on my mind.

No fountain of youth, just a wish for wholeness to find.

An unwilling victim of a blind symphony.

In a boarded up house, a window to break free.

During the day, demolition draws a crowd.

But lonely night street lights scream way too loud.

You see that brokenness is all about perception.

Only when accepted will you ever find rest then.

To be complete and in perfect disarray.

And the night doesn’t threaten the bed where you lay.

Some may seek forgiveness, and many will never find.

The peace in broken contentment, the quiet like mine.

Send To Phone

Perception

Perception (per⋅cep⋅tion)

/pərˈsɛpʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciatio[per-sep-shuhn]

–noun

1.	the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding.

2.	immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as of moral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition; discernment: an artist of rare perception.

3.	the result or product of perceiving, as distinguished from the act of perceiving; percept.

4.	Psychology. a single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present.

It all comes down to how you see the world. Strength: define it. Beauty: prove it. Hell: explain it. Perfection: attain it. There is good and bad in every situation that one comes up against in life. I have to keep telling myself that or I risk losing my sanity. If I choose to concentrate on the negative- I lose. You can either let situations take hold, break, and define you or you can look for a way to grow from it. Even if it is only something as trivial as knowing better for the next time. Sometimes we just have to take a step back, and look, for the silver lining.

Put up your umbrella and dance in the rain...

:..dance in the rain..:

Sometimes it's too easy to lose sight of any good. It's too simple to get lost somewhere in hell and not be able to make it back out.
The past two years have been extremely frustrating. For various reasons. It becomes all too easy to stay pissed at God when things get out of control. After losing a friend to death, and then a lot of them due to circumstances, I learned to stand on my own.
I'm still lost, at least part of the time. I feel like i'm always trying to pick things back up. I would love nothing more than to just go back in time. Daily there is a constant battle being waged between staying upset and working to get better. I want to get better, I want to breathe easier. I want things to be as simple as they were before.

I miss:

• Youth group- This saved my sanity. Now I'm not sure how much further I have to go before I get to call myself insane.
• Weekends at the Grubbs- I spent the other day with Chelsea, let me tell you, I miss that family dearly. I just pray that they don't look at me any differently now after hearing about the "mess". I loved being the fourth Grubbs daughter. Waking up on Sunday mornings as part of the family...
• Emma Grace- My goodness, I miss this child! She never fails to bring a smile to my lips. She is becoming such a little lady. So grown up and becoming so beautiful.
• The guys- I really do miss them. They constantly made me laugh and cheered me up when I was down.
• The girls- At this point, thinking about this makes me cry. I wish I could fix everything but I'm not sure that I can. I can't take on all their problems when I'm trying to deal with mine. I love them dearly and I miss them terribly but I think I'm afraid to let them back in.
  
• Whitestone- I know I don't have nearly as many memories as the others have, but I just can't help being a little sentimental about that building.
• Fae- Rest in peace angel baby. All my love...
  

Wow, sleep is very much so necessary.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

crunk-lyts.com

Tutus and Tiaras

Remember when we were little girls? With twirling skirts, starry eyes, and the highest expectations in relationships. Our daddies were the strongest, best, coolest daddies ever, and mommy's kisses magically made everything better. Beautiful gowns with beaded bodices were created out of mom's old slip and grandma's lace curtains. Plastic gems on plastic jewelry became crown jewels and untold riches. Cardboard boxes have the power to transform into castles, limos, or woodland cottages.

How did we fall from this? Now, we fall over and over for guys that don't catch us until we are kneeling on the floor with dirty, bloody knees and a broken pride. We continually accept less than what we deserve. We settle for "just whatever" over and over again. How did we stumble from the fairy tale?

Stand up little girl, and dust yourself off.
Quit staring in the mirror and messing up perfection.
Wipe off the dirt,
Put on your tutu, tiara and plastic gems,
And finally live!

I was hoping that when the clock struck midnight on new years eve, everything would change. I hoped that when I finally dragged my tired lazy rear out of bed everything would be okay again, but unfortunately New years is just another night, and some people never change.
I've been beaten down, humiliated and stepped on.
I've been yelled at, betrayed and let down.
People that i have loved dearly have turned their backs when i needed them most, which breaks my heart. Friends seem to have always been there until you need them. And when i needed them most, they couldn't drag themselves away from their own problems to help with mine.
I've found that i have five people on which i can fully depend on. Five, i thought i had so much more.
Before you judge me and say that i am just another girl with her head shoved up her boyfriends butt, take a step back and ask yourself if you've been there for me thru all this? Have any one of you dropped anything to help me out?